So, how is everyone?
A lot has changed for me in what seems like a short period of time, but in actuality, has been occuring for years.
I'm now a single girl. Yes, it's true. The end of a marriage is like a death, but at the same time, I think we have both been reborn. It is hard, the adjustments you have to make, but at the same time, it is something that is turning out to be for the best, for both of us.
I was the one that finally got up the nerve to call it quits. I think that once you reach a certain point, if you continue to stay, you end up breeding hatred in a relationship that was once all about love. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but I also believe in recognizing when the fat lady has sang her last note and not sitting around waiting for an encore when the obese woman has dropped dead of a heart attack and has foam pouring from her mouth. But thats just me.
It's funny, really. As a married woman, I envied single people the freedom to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. Let's put this in perspective. I was fourteen when I met my husband, sixteen when I gave birth, eighteen when I married, and nineteen when I had my second child.
I've never, ever just......been.
And even now, my children come first. They are twelve and fifteen. For the last several years, they have only seen my husband and me be friends. Which is great. But not if that is all there is. I want them to understand that in marriage there are many different emotions, such as happiness, anger, passion. My husband and I shared, and hopefully will again, a wonderful friendship. We didn't DO anything together. We didn't make each other a priority in our plans, our aspirations, anything that really matters. I want my boys to understand that for a marriage to work, you have to have a geniune interest in the other person.
I'm not saying that you must have everything in common. But you must care about the other person enough to want to participate and listen when they speak on things that you would otherwise never be exposed to. We lacked that.
So, yes, while it is sad, it is also for the best.
My youngest told me the other day that we were both so much happier lately. Which kind of made me sad, but at the same time reassured me that we are doing the right thing.
And the funny thing is, I haven't cried. Not once. So maybe we waited longer than we should've to call a halt to our runaway marriage. I do believe I've built up scar tissue.
My ex is very much a relationship kind of guy. I've reassured him that I'm okay with him finding someone else, which is really bizarre, I know, but only because I truly mean that.
As for me, I already have two males that will always be in my life. I couldn't imagine trying to make room for one more anytime soon. I just don't think I have it in me.
