Dumb Ass Friends and Dumb Ass Tickets

The other day, an old friend texts me, asking for my address. She then goes on to explain that she is getting married again and having another baby.

(Hey, this is the South. It's how we roll.)

Anyway, this friend just got divorced last year from a guy that she has been with since her early teens. So she's branching her whore sense out. Problem is this.

I went and visited with her at her sister's house about two months ago, where I met her new man.

He's outside, hanging with the men, we're in the kitchen, which is where all the good gossip goes down. She tells me that she doesn't really like him, finds him boring, yada, yada, yada.

So, imagine my surprise when I find out she's actually going to MARRY the boring shit.

WTF?

A little background on my friend.

We met in the seventh grade, where we bickered over some guy, then became good friends.

I remember one instance in eighth grade, sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch. She actually told me that cum would make your teeth whiter. No shit. In eighth grade. Won't ever forget it.

Anyway, the point to this post. Does everyone have that dumb ass friend that just doesn't get it?

Also, pondering her upcoming marriage has made me contemplate all of my friends and their idiotic life choices.

By the way, most of my friends either are or were, at some point in their lives, sluts. Seriously.

Except for my bestie. She is the single exception.

(I promise, I'm not a slut...even if I did get prego at fifteen...Again, this is the South. It's how we roll - and I'm entering a disclaimer here: my husband is no relation...not even distantly...that I know of.)

Anyway, quick story on one of my not so glamorous moments.

A few weeks ago, I'm out in Tampa with a couple of girls that I barely know (long story as to how I ended out with them). Both of them are named Brittany, one is a little ghetto and we are in a not so upstanding part of town club hopping.

Anywayz, I was going to be nice, because one of them had worn not so sensible shoes, so I was going to move the car closer.

I pull into a slot, head into Coyote Ugly, where we stay for maybe an additional fifteen minutes. We then leave, and what do I find?

Two mounted police officers, one of which is writing me a parking ticket.



(I had inadvertently parked in a Cab only zone - five open spots and a cab occupying only one of them, but there you go...)

The ghetto Brittany (long bleach, bleach blond hair, boobs falling out of her shirt, shoes about six inches in the heel, with a juicy tattoo on her neck) proceeds to try to hit on the cop with the ticket book, when I look the other cop in the face.

Turns out I know him. Yes. That's right. I know him.

Our sons played on the All Star team together last year in Little League.

I wanted to die.

Now, don't get me wrong, my husband knew I was going out. He has no problem with this. We don't go out together, unless it is to a friend's house. We tend to (he tends to) act like total morons in public when in each other's presence. That's all I'm going to say about that. Anywayz...

I tell ghetto Brittany to just get in the damn car, snatch my ticket away from the cop, give a little shit to Little League dad, and leave.

I just want to know how long it's going to take before I start hearing stories about me getting ticketed by his partner at two in the morning in downtown Ybor, with two twenty three years old, one of which tried to pick up his partner. That should make for interesting gossip in the stands. Huh?

Deluded Parents and Scary Teenage Girls

My son plays baseball, for those of you that are unaware.

And he's actually pretty good. He turned thirteen in March and is already five foot eight. He's also very fit. These are all great things in baseball. However, this is not his crowning glory.

He's a leftie. And he pitches. Which apparently is a golden ticket. Or so he is constantly being told. So, even at thirteen, we have all these teams that are interested in him playing for them.

Anyway, the point to this post is....some parents are bat shit crazy. Fo real.

If you are anything like me, you would be amazed and downright horrified by the amount of parents that push their children to play a sport that they don't really enjoy and pretty much pimp their kids out to teams to get them recognition. At THIRTEEN YEARS OLD!

There are several types of these parents. The ones that truly believe their boys are going to make it to the bigs and are planning their entire retirement fund around that event, to the ones that are completely deluded into thinking that their child has abilities that he obviously doesn't. It's ridiculous.

Take my son for example. He's good. At pitching.

However, the whole common sense thing has completely escaped him.

For example, we were talking about where ham came from (pigs), then hamburgers (cows), when he asks "Where does chicken come from?"

Seriously.

So, while his athletic ability and physical stature are definite pluses, he's something of an airhead. Even as his mother, I know this. I love him anyway. It's that whole unconditional love thing.

Does that make me mean? I can admit that I am kind of mean. But its not like I run around calling my child, my love, the fruit of my womb, a dumb ass or anything.

And I do encourage him, tell him he can be anything he wants, he just has to apply himself.

But lets be honest. Not everyone has the ability to be a brain surgeon.

Also....

....these little slutty girls now-a-days....

Women, am I lying? Men, hell, even so-called "smart men" are dumb asses when a piece of tail is waved around in their faces.

Alex makes good grades in school, only a hand full of "C's" this year...but that is because, and he has admitted it, that he didn't have any "hot girls" in most of his classes.

I'm terrified. Some little hooch in shorty shorts, boobs bigger than mine, with an all over spray tan is going to molest my little boy.

I was knocked up at fifteen... gave birth at sixteen. I am bound and determined to break the cycle with my child. I really don't want him to wind up on an episode of "Sixteen and Pregnant" on MTV.

I want to know where the hell the male birth control shot is. These damn pharmaceutical companies need to get on the ball. Have they not seen how these little girls are behaving lately?!

If only they could stay babies...


but they do...


grow up...


a little at a time...