About Me

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Florida, United States

Friday, December 30, 2011


I think I should write a comedy routine. Seriously. I think I would be good at it. I think I could base it around my favorite movie quotes, then tell a funny story that somehow, half ass relates to each.

Example 1:
Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion:
Michelle: For me, it's like I've just given birth to my own baby girl, except she's like a big giant girl who smokes and says "shit" a lot. You know?

To this, I could light a cigarette and pretend to be Janeane Garofalo by continuously reading over my notes so that I don’t forget my next joke.
And please, don’t misunderstand. I love Janeane. With all of her self doubt and lack of confidence. She is real. She isn’t afraid to show the insecurities that we all struggle with.
But the girl has issues. Fo’ Real.

Example 2:
Urban Cowboy:
Bud: All cowboys ain't dumb. Some of 'em got smarts real good, like me.

To this, I would scratch my imaginary nuts and take a chug of beer. Then I would proceed to mimic the walk from that disco movie Travolta played in. With some Bee Gees music coming on for effect. Then I could talk about the hillbilly ass town I grew up in.

Example 3:
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh look at you, my pretty little girl, sitting there with your face all painted up in your little halter top, you're nothing but a little slut.

Then….well, if you know the movie, surely you can guess what would come next. Duh...
Then I could talk about one of my friends from middle school telling me that cum would make your teeth whiter. I could also talk about the fact that I went to her second wedding a few years ago and she was wearing a black spandex dress with camo trimming. While five months pregnant. And getting married in the same venue as her first wedding.

Example 4:
Cher: Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.

To this, I could go on a rant for all the asshole things that men do. People love hearing a bitter, pissed off woman bitch about men. It’s kind of like that Barry White song. Even if it isn’t your style, there is something in his tone that catches you. I see clouds above…Anyway, historically, pissed off women appeal to people. Look at Alanis Morissette. Since she doesn’t hate anyone anymore, at least not in a “I’m gonna smash your face in” kind of way, she hasn’t made the headlines in years. Unless it was her break up with Ryan Reynolds. Maybe a blip here or there, but for the most part, nada. Or Meredith Brooks. She should sing another song about being a bitch, then she might get some play time.

Example 5:
Wayne’s World
Wayne: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

Then I could bitch about my TMJ.

And lets not forget about sex.

Example 6:
The 40 Year Old Virgin:
Jay: All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "Tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "Tackle drunk bitches."

To which I can lead into stories about my girlfriends….and the unspoken girl code that you don’t let one of your friends make a complete ass of herself after she has had too much to drink. I could go into the fact that all women are instinctually programmed to cock block asshole men. Fact.

So, maybe that is my so called “resolution”. I don’t know how much I believe in beginning of the year vows, but we will see how the year turns out.

It would be funny as shit. I could maybe win one of those stand up comedy shows. Except that I think I’m too pretty. Like Debra Lafave was too pretty for prison, I’m too pretty for stand up. I don’t look a damn thing like Rosanne Barr.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Yo' Mom Be Crazy

A few years ago, when I had my last office job, I was always wanting to miss work. I used to think it was because I couldn’t stand the other assistant I worked with (trust me, she was an enormous asshole). But now that I have this position (which pays waaaayyy better and the work is far more interesting), I actually don’t mind being here. The only time I’ve missed was when I was sick and my boss sent me home and one other time when my mom picked my son up from school and he shit his pants as he was throwing up on the side of the road (He’s was eleven at the time, poor guy).

But today, this last day of work before we get a small break for Christmas, I realize that I have absolutely nothing to occupy me (I’ve already cleaned my office from top to bottom – everyone probably thinks I’m on drugs) and I would still rather be here than home.

That’s sad, right?

Both my boys have turned into pain in the butt men. Or nearly. My oldest son caught my youngest son masturbating the other day and finding a lot of hilarity in the situation, gave me way too many details.

When I left this morning, there were several teenage boys trying to get ready for their day while discussing the attributes of the girls they went out with last night. And all I could think as I went out the door was “Thank God I’ve got a job.”

So then I started wondering….Am I a bad mother?

I know I love my kids. Truly I do. But I don’t really want to be around them a whole lot of the time now. Between the bad attitudes, gross body functions and raunchy conversations that are constantly flowing around me, I would rather sit at my desk at work, staring at a blank screen with my inbox completely empty rather than sit in my house, locked in my bedroom.

This is one of the pitfalls of having kids really young. I was okay with all of the different phases that drove everyone else crazy. The sleepless nights (those really did suck – but were short lived), the terrible twos, the talking threes, the sticking things in body orifices when they were in kindergarten, even the onset of puberty didn’t terrify me. But when your son walks up to you and says he’s in need of condoms, and you’re thirty one years old??? That one kind of throws you.

I have come to the conclusion lately that I’m going through an early mid-life. I know my age is still small, but the fact that my kids are only a few years away from adulthood has propelled me where I never thought I would go. The land of “I’m turning into my mom.” And it is a very dark, scary landscape that I’m currently looking at.

My mom is weird as hell. Love her. But man, she is one crazy ass female.

And as I write this, I pray that in sixteen years, when my boys are in their late twenties, early thirties, they are not able to say that sentence ( ^ that one right up there^) about me. Even if I am a little bat shit crazy.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Secret Blog

Okay, so I have this girlfriend, mid thirties, recently single for the first time since she was a teenager. She has also lost a lot of weight, and has discovered some of the joys of online dating.

Five of us girls went to Key West a few weeks back and let me tell you, she is something else. I told one of the girls there that I was going to write a Saturday Night Live character based on our mutual friend.

Below, I’ve listed some of her characteristics/traits that she has recently acquired.

(I would also like to point out that if she ever sees this, I’m sure I will be short one friend, so this is our little secret.)

Character Outline:

Soccer mom, always wears makeup to kid’s games in case any single, hot dads have sports duty.

Wears inappropriately tight clothing, the better to show off the sisters. Does not believe in t-shirts unless they consist of a deep (very deep) v neckline.

Frequents establishments that men that want to appear to have money hang out, that way she can justify getting married again, hence making her alimony payments stop.

She needs surgery on her broke down knee, but still refuses to wear flats while out picking up men with the girls.

Enjoys dancing and singing badly karaoke, mostly from the days of the hair bands (i.e.: Meat Loaf, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, Guns N’ Roses, and the occasional Madonna ‘Like a Virgin’ rendition thrown in, et. al)

Has recently realized her preference for no panties while wearing dresses. It can usually be counted on for a free drink, as she has recently spent too much money buying too many dresses.

Now understands what all the hype is about when it comes to “sexting”. That shit is fo’ real.

Has a goal to lose enough weight that black men no longer hit on her, not that she doesn’t like black men, just that a little bit of variety goes a long way.
Match.com has become her home page.

Now knows that there REALLY is a difference in condoms. And they don’t stink anymore like they did in the old days.

Has a 24 hour rule (Unless hot Latin men, athletes, really good dancers, old high school crushes come into play…or Italians…did I say Italians yet?) with only a few exceptions making the rule null and void.

She has recently become extremely proficient at photographing herself, in many different situations, including, but not limited to, walking home at 7 in the morning in a prom dress (red thong) and deciding if she wants to hit on all the hot firemen hanging out in front of the firehouse, where the picture assured her, yes, she really WAS that sweaty.

Men love pictures of you in the shower (and the tanning bed…and the hot tub…and the bathroom at work).

Discovered that men love sending pictures of their enormous manhoods to women, where she takes great pleasure in showing to all of her unsuspecting girlfriends.

I do love her, but the girl has lost her freaking mind. Fo' Real!!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Death Row....

I was once upon a time a court t.v. addict. I didn’t’ work, I had two small children that were perpetually watching Disney, so any chance I got, I wanted to watch the most adult channel on television (Fox doesn’t count, guys).

This was before Court T.V. became “True T.V.”, before Nancy Grace came off as a man hating, overly aggressive in her opinions witch. And I even think her make-up was better back then. Glorida Alred was as annoying as ever and her daughter was just getting started in the television arena.

I would watch these different trials and be fascinated and horrified at the atrocities that are continually committed in our 1st World society.

My oldest son was just a toddler, and I’m not sure if I had given birth to my youngest son, but I remember the case of Brandon Wilson. Some may remember him, some may not, but he was the teenager that walked into a restroom located in an R.V. Park and slit a little boys throat as he stood at the urinal. The boy’s aunt was standing outside the door, and when he never returned, she found him lying in a pool of blood.

The details of the case were shocking. I was an extremely young mom, and Brandon Wilson and I were of an age, so I remember wondering what went wrong in his brain that he was capable of harming a little boy, for no other reason than just to do it? And I remember looking at my own little boy and not being able to fathom the depth of grief that his entire family had to be suffering from such a senseless, heinous act.

Brandon Wilson was sentenced to death row in California. I’m not sure what made me think of the case, as it has been years and years, but I decided to look it up and found out that Brandon Wilson hung himself in his cell last month.

I then found out that since the death penalty was reinstated in 1978 in CA., 19 inmates have committed suicide, while 13 have actually been put to death. Seriously.

Can I just say that in most of my political beliefs, and yes I do have them, if I had to classify myself, which I really hate to do, but in this case I will, I would have to say that I’m pretty far to the left (which is not exactly popular here in the deep South…) but in this instance….When you have a full confession, and in the process of pleading guilty he says that he will do it again if ever given the chance….Why did he sit on death row for over a decade?

It took death by his own hand to finally rid the family that has suffered, and will continue to suffer, of the foul person that robbed them of the joy of seeing their child grow in to a young man. Where is the justice in that?

I now work in our legal system, and I’ve chosen not to work in the criminal field on purpose. While a ton of good can be done there, and obviously, some strides need to be taken to move our justice system along, it is imperative that we, as a so-called forward thinking, precedent setting nation, really need to step up our game.

Currently, more than 700 people are sitting on death row in the state of California alone. 700…..

Surely, many are there with an iron tight case proving guilt. Why are we keeping them around? Could someone answer that question for me?