I think I should write a comedy routine. Seriously. I think I would be good at it. I think I could base it around my favorite movie quotes, then tell a funny story that somehow, half ass relates to each.
Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion:
Michelle: For me, it's like I've just given birth to my own baby girl, except she's like a big giant girl who smokes and says "shit" a lot. You know?
To this, I could light a cigarette and pretend to be Janeane Garofalo by continuously reading over my notes so that I don’t forget my next joke.
And please, don’t misunderstand. I love Janeane. With all of her self doubt and lack of confidence. She is real. She isn’t afraid to show the insecurities that we all struggle with.
But the girl has issues. Fo’ Real.
Bud: All cowboys ain't dumb. Some of 'em got smarts real good, like me.
To this, I would scratch my imaginary nuts and take a chug of beer. Then I would proceed to mimic the walk from that disco movie Travolta played in. With some Bee Gees music coming on for effect. Then I could talk about the hillbilly ass town I grew up in.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh look at you, my pretty little girl, sitting there with your face all painted up in your little halter top, you're nothing but a little slut.
Then….well, if you know the movie, surely you can guess what would come next. Duh...
Then I could talk about one of my friends from middle school telling me that cum would make your teeth whiter. I could also talk about the fact that I went to her second wedding a few years ago and she was wearing a black spandex dress with camo trimming. While five months pregnant. And getting married in the same venue as her first wedding.
Cher: Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.
To this, I could go on a rant for all the asshole things that men do. People love hearing a bitter, pissed off woman bitch about men. It’s kind of like that Barry White song. Even if it isn’t your style, there is something in his tone that catches you. I see clouds above…Anyway, historically, pissed off women appeal to people. Look at Alanis Morissette. Since she doesn’t hate anyone anymore, at least not in a “I’m gonna smash your face in” kind of way, she hasn’t made the headlines in years. Unless it was her break up with Ryan Reynolds. Maybe a blip here or there, but for the most part, nada. Or Meredith Brooks. She should sing another song about being a bitch, then she might get some play time.
Wayne: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...
Then I could bitch about my TMJ.
And lets not forget about sex.
The 40 Year Old Virgin:
Jay: All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "Tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "Tackle drunk bitches."
To which I can lead into stories about my girlfriends….and the unspoken girl code that you don’t let one of your friends make a complete ass of herself after she has had too much to drink. I could go into the fact that all women are instinctually programmed to cock block asshole men. Fact.
So, maybe that is my so called “resolution”. I don’t know how much I believe in beginning of the year vows, but we will see how the year turns out.
It would be funny as shit. I could maybe win one of those stand up comedy shows. Except that I think I’m too pretty. Like Debra Lafave was too pretty for prison, I’m too pretty for stand up. I don’t look a damn thing like Rosanne Barr.