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Florida, United States

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Secret Blog

Okay, so I have this girlfriend, mid thirties, recently single for the first time since she was a teenager. She has also lost a lot of weight, and has discovered some of the joys of online dating.

Five of us girls went to Key West a few weeks back and let me tell you, she is something else. I told one of the girls there that I was going to write a Saturday Night Live character based on our mutual friend.

Below, I’ve listed some of her characteristics/traits that she has recently acquired.

(I would also like to point out that if she ever sees this, I’m sure I will be short one friend, so this is our little secret.)

Character Outline:

Soccer mom, always wears makeup to kid’s games in case any single, hot dads have sports duty.

Wears inappropriately tight clothing, the better to show off the sisters. Does not believe in t-shirts unless they consist of a deep (very deep) v neckline.

Frequents establishments that men that want to appear to have money hang out, that way she can justify getting married again, hence making her alimony payments stop.

She needs surgery on her broke down knee, but still refuses to wear flats while out picking up men with the girls.

Enjoys dancing and singing badly karaoke, mostly from the days of the hair bands (i.e.: Meat Loaf, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, Guns N’ Roses, and the occasional Madonna ‘Like a Virgin’ rendition thrown in, et. al)

Has recently realized her preference for no panties while wearing dresses. It can usually be counted on for a free drink, as she has recently spent too much money buying too many dresses.

Now understands what all the hype is about when it comes to “sexting”. That shit is fo’ real.

Has a goal to lose enough weight that black men no longer hit on her, not that she doesn’t like black men, just that a little bit of variety goes a long way.
Match.com has become her home page.

Now knows that there REALLY is a difference in condoms. And they don’t stink anymore like they did in the old days.

Has a 24 hour rule (Unless hot Latin men, athletes, really good dancers, old high school crushes come into play…or Italians…did I say Italians yet?) with only a few exceptions making the rule null and void.

She has recently become extremely proficient at photographing herself, in many different situations, including, but not limited to, walking home at 7 in the morning in a prom dress (red thong) and deciding if she wants to hit on all the hot firemen hanging out in front of the firehouse, where the picture assured her, yes, she really WAS that sweaty.

Men love pictures of you in the shower (and the tanning bed…and the hot tub…and the bathroom at work).

Discovered that men love sending pictures of their enormous manhoods to women, where she takes great pleasure in showing to all of her unsuspecting girlfriends.

I do love her, but the girl has lost her freaking mind. Fo' Real!!

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