Grow up ALREADY!!

Do you ever want to hit someone? I mean, for real? Not just in that fuzzy fantasy land you sometimes go to in your mind, but where you literally have to make a conscious effort not to knock the shit out of the person standing before you???

That's how I feel right about now.

So, what do you do with your pent up aggression?

Do you try to get drunk, bury the feelings of sheer rage? Doesn't that just make it worse?

Do you have sex to maybe burn off some of the energy? (As a side note, I never understood the whole fight and make up theory - seems to me that if someone really pisses me off, the less I want to go to bed with them...but that's just me...)

Maybe you work out, sweat some of the discontent off.

Honestly, when I'm really pissed off, I just have to wait it out. I'm not one to hold a grudge, as fighting pisses me off worse than whatever the original issue was. But sometimes, like now, my husband can make me so pissy that I just want to hit him. I keep telling myself that my adolescent days are behind me and that no real good could come from bloodying his nose, but my physical reaction to anger is sometimes, nearly, almost, as strong as the great wisdom and maturity I've developed over the last dozen years or so...

And I know I probably shouldn't come on here and vent about my other (notice I don't say better) half, as that is a real pet peeve of mine...but right now, my aggravation with him is by far outweighing any couth I have in the relationship etiquette department.

I won't go into detail about what a dumb ass he is, but I figure it is typical male behavior.

What is wrong with the male psyche, that whenever someones tells you they don't want you to do something, come hell or high water you're going to do it just to show them that you can?

I don't want to be his mother. Not at all. I hate nagging. So I don't. But I do get pissed. And sometimes want to resort to physical violence. I won't (at least I'm 99% sure I won't), even if he deserves it....

So that's where I'm at. Pissed at my husband and venting about it out in cyber land.

On a Saturday night.

At home.

On the computer.

I'm so effin' lame.

It's ALIVE!!

Okay, so while I've been a little MIA lately, I promise I'm still among the living.

And I'm actually getting some great material to blog about.

Saturday night, I was in a limo with twelve other crazy ladies on a bachelorette party, where lots of funny shenanigans took place, which I will post about soon, I promise!

I also need to tell everyone about watching New Moon with the husband. You would've thought I was pulling his toe nails out with pliers. Seriously.

And today, I'm heading to Cocoa Beach, where my spring break commences. I'm currently sitting here posting this, fully prepared for the beach while two of my princes(esses) are taking their sweet time on packing a bag.

I hate waiting on people.



I'm sure I'm going to be a total biotch once we finally get on our way, because they are not making sure I'm happy. It's not going to be premeditated bitchiness (no matter the fact that I'm already predicting this).

No.

It's going to come out at the most unexpected times, much like turret's syndrome. I'm going to bust out with something like, "Do you need me to get your balls out of my purse?! What the hell are you waiting for?!", when my husband wants to wait FOREVER and a day to pull out onto the highway. He does this type of thing frequently. And there is no happy medium. He will either pull out in front of someone and make me nearly crap my pants out of sheer terror or he will wait until I sprout a grey hair to make up his mind to go. Drives me effing crazy.

Oh, oh...I think they might be getting close. Let me go kick them in their asses and get this show on the road.



Peace out, girl scouts.

Angle of My Piss

Okay, so I totally found something that is going to make my days much more pleasant..

I've found the secret to peeing quietly. Yes. It's true. I'll tell you how. (and why.)

So, the staff bathroom (the only one that I'm not afraid something is going to jump onto my nether regions if I use) is in a hallway with offices all around. One day, I was walking down this hallway (to the bathroom no less) and heard the sound of a gigantic horse taking a leak. I was kind of embarrassed for the person on the other side of the door, (and concerned because I thought the bathroom was for women only and it surely had to be a man draining his boy bit)when the door opens and out steps this little petite woman.

First off, I was amazed that such a little thing could make such a racket (is that with a 'w'?) and then I was relieved that the one bathroom I was comfortable using wasn't a unisex potty.

(No offense meant, gentlemen...okay, so that's a lie. You may be offended, because I frankly don't give a shit...You guys are disgusting. For real.)

So, it had me slightly freaked out that every time I go to this potty, the sound of me peeing is echoing into the hallway like Niagara Falls.

Anyway, I've since experimented with the angle of my urine. (I really would never have thought that 'angle of my urine' would be something that I would ever say, much less write for anyone that suffers severe boredom and has access to the Internet to read, but there you go...'angle of my urine'.)

I've since found that if you pee on the porcelain, not directly into the water, there is virtually no sound.

*Sigh of relief...

I can now piss unselfconsciously.

Smart Ass

I love some of the assignments some of these teachers come up with. They keep me highly entertained...

For instance, today, I had a group of students that were in trouble that were given a very interesting writing assignment. They were to write an ENTIRE PAGE (oh, no!) on a day in the life from their shoes, their agendas, a poster from their favorite class, the oak tree in front of the school and one of their teacher's, perspective.

A few of them totally blew it, even with me giving them ideas, and hello, in case you haven't noticed, I'm totally the bestest writer in the whole wide world. Right? Right?

Anywayz, one of the boys actually took my suggestions and had me laughing my ass off.

He wrote one from his shoe's perspective, such as how badly he hated having dog crap on himself and how much he enjoyed the fact that his owner talked to him, and even occasionally would sing to him....and how all the other shoes were jealous that they didn't have such wonderful owner's that bathed them regularly and how he was always a-shinin', yo....

Anyway, it was really funny and I hope he sticks with writing, because his imagination might just outshine mine. Maybe...but probably not. :-)

There was this other assignment that I ran across, one that a child had not completed from last month. It was a Valentine's Day resume.

In resume format, you were supposed to list all the attributes you had that would make a prospective valentine desire you.

Am I the only perve in the room?

I totally would've mentioned my boob size, ass shape, shapely legs and the way I fill out a skirt. But I don't think any of the kids did that. Which made me wonder about this generation.

Because if this were MY assignment, I would've headed straight to the gutter with it.

The kids today have no imagination.

So, excluding the kid with the shinin' shoes, I think it's safe to say that all of the good writing jobs are safe for all of us current writer's out here. Especially those of us that enjoy bringing a smile to a reader's face.