These Are The Facts of Our Lives

I have a knack for knowing the year a movie was made. I also know obscure bands that no one outside of Sweden have ever heard of.


I can quote philosophers, I know who was the president during every major conflict in U.S. history (mainly from reading raunchy romance novels), I can sing the theme song from "The Facts of Life" word for word.


My point to being a know it all....Why the fuck don't I know how to parent a teenage boy? Shouldn't my ability to sing theme songs for some of the best family shows in television history (such as Growing Pains) have taught me something???


When is all of my useless knowledge going to pay off? When I accidentally stumble onto the game show "Cash Cab"? That would be awesome, by the way.

Last April, my mom left her asshole husband and moved in with me. Last week, she finally went back to her asshole husband. The weekend before she left, my girlfriend was staying and we went out for the night. We got a room in Orlando so that we would be able to drink if we wanted and I left the boys with my mom.

Monday, after the weekend, I find that my son's screen in his window is laying on the ground outside. He claims he was wanting some air. Huh? What kind of dumb ass do you take me for?

That night, he also tried out his driving abilities. By running into the front of my girlfriends car with a truck that he wasn't supposed to be driving. Did I mention that my girlfriend drives a BMW?

So, he is in so much trouble! First, I take his phone away. Then we tell him he is missing homecoming. His dad kept his cool, all the way up until I told him it would claimed on our insurance, not hers. Then, he got pissed. Made him quit the high school baseball team, was ranting and raving, picked up three different things to throw before slowly putting them back down unharmed.

Later that night, I'm out on the patio reading through my son's phone. That is how I found out he wasn't a virgin anymore.

I know, I know.....It is silly of me to be freaked out when I know what I was doing at his age. But SON OF A BITCH!!! I'm trying to break the cycle here! And I'm kind of heart broken. And maybe, just a tad bit sad.

I know that people said it was going to be hard. Honestly, I think at every stage of my boy's lives, I've rolled with the punches, dealt with every difficult situation, from colic, to broken bones, to blow jobs in the girls bathroom (another story for another day), but this, this thing with my son having sex, it has totally thrown me. WTF?

And it pisses me off that some of the stuff coming out of my mouth I heard and wanted to roll my eyes at when self same words were being uttered by my own annoying mother....

That's not me! I was going to be the fun mom, the one that understood, the one that was there for my kid and never let anything phase me. The one that was a mom first, but that they could always rely on when they needed a friend. That was my role. Now, I'm like a ranting, crazy fucking monkey out of Ohio. Without herpes. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, look that shit up.)

He's a good kid. Truly, he is. He is just a normal, horney little teenager that doesn't know any better. I'm just praying that he doesn't make me a grandma before I can turn 32. If he does, I'm seriously packing my crap and leaving the state. Honest.

Narcissism LIVES!!

My current blogging community is similar to when all of your friends get married, have babies, and they stop joining you for girls night out. Therefore, I am in need of some new friends – divorced, married, single, swinger….I don’t care so long as there is an interesting thought in their head that they want to put down for me to read, dissect, and discuss. What else am I supposed to do when my work is caught up? Question. Why do people blog? I read the other day that this person believed that every person that blogged had some type of narcissism disorder. Keep in mind, this was not from a professional. But is it true? I replied to that in some kind of flippant manner, but it got me to thinking…. As bloggers, are we so vain and self important that we believe everyone wants to read what we think about current events, men, relationships, fashion, food, interior design, etc., etc., etc.? I’ve put an awful lot of thought (okay – that was a lie – I’m winging it here) into this and I have to disagree. Maybe there are a ton of bloggers that think their voice is so important that it must be heard by the masses, but there are plenty of us out here that blog because, well, because it provides a sense of community. Socializing has gone viral, peeps. This is where we communicate. And it doesn’t always matter if you’ve met that person face to face. Or should I say – flesh to flesh, with all the many video chats that are now available? It is nice to have a conversation about something that interests you, even if the person you are conversing with doesn’t always agree. It is sad that the one on one, in person form of communication is soooo 80’s, but that is the way that it is. We are an ever evolving species (Should I put in my religion here? No? T.m.i, huh?) I tell stories about my life. Embarrassing, sad, happy, funny…they run the gamut of the emotional kaleidoscope, but one thing that all of them have in common…Truth. Every single one of them, from the flattering, to my Sharon Stone moment are my true. I’ve never met a self deprecating narcissist, have you? I began this blog a few years ago. Looking back at some of my earlier posts, I see that while my writing style has stayed essentially the same, the sentiment has changed. It is amazing to see how a person changes with their life events. Maybe some would consider blogging a type of diary, and for some, I’m sure they treat it exactly like that. But for me, I’m going to bare it all for private, my eyes only writings. As a blogger, I don’t believe in censorship, but I do believe in keeping some stuff just for yourself. In the beginning, I had a child that was on the cusp of becoming a teenager, and my sweet little eight year old son was just my little runt, I was sure of my marriage, my direction, all of my goals. Now, I look back and I’m thankful for the reflection of myself, of who I was in that particular moment in time and how much I’ve changed. It’s sad at times, bittersweet at others, but I’ve grown to be a very complex, multi-faceted woman that is not at all as confidant as I once thought. I don’t have all the answers and I’m really playing it by ear most of the time, but it is okay. I’m thirty one years old, I have a son that is almost fifteen and I just found out that he was screwing some girl during the high school football game a few weeks ago. If I don’t know what I’m doing all the time, if I occasionally fuck it up, I think I can cut myself a break. What do you think?

It's a Ghost Town...

Do you know what annoys me? The fact that I haven’t been on here in quite a while and the blogs that I once upon a time followed daily have changed, or ended altogether. This is what I have discovered. Either, (i) they are no longer writing, (ii) the writer has become too big for their pants and now all they do are reviews, either on books, products, or some other such silliness, (iii) they do some bullshit guest writing, or (iv) have disappeared altogether. This is a sad day. Where have all my peeps went? I have some good shit to tell you about. And I wanted to catch up with all of you. But it seems that my blog roll has/is slowly coming to a stop.

Get your shit together guys or I'm sentencing you to the BRIG!!