These Are The Facts of Our Lives

I have a knack for knowing the year a movie was made. I also know obscure bands that no one outside of Sweden have ever heard of.


I can quote philosophers, I know who was the president during every major conflict in U.S. history (mainly from reading raunchy romance novels), I can sing the theme song from "The Facts of Life" word for word.


My point to being a know it all....Why the fuck don't I know how to parent a teenage boy? Shouldn't my ability to sing theme songs for some of the best family shows in television history (such as Growing Pains) have taught me something???


When is all of my useless knowledge going to pay off? When I accidentally stumble onto the game show "Cash Cab"? That would be awesome, by the way.

Last April, my mom left her asshole husband and moved in with me. Last week, she finally went back to her asshole husband. The weekend before she left, my girlfriend was staying and we went out for the night. We got a room in Orlando so that we would be able to drink if we wanted and I left the boys with my mom.

Monday, after the weekend, I find that my son's screen in his window is laying on the ground outside. He claims he was wanting some air. Huh? What kind of dumb ass do you take me for?

That night, he also tried out his driving abilities. By running into the front of my girlfriends car with a truck that he wasn't supposed to be driving. Did I mention that my girlfriend drives a BMW?

So, he is in so much trouble! First, I take his phone away. Then we tell him he is missing homecoming. His dad kept his cool, all the way up until I told him it would claimed on our insurance, not hers. Then, he got pissed. Made him quit the high school baseball team, was ranting and raving, picked up three different things to throw before slowly putting them back down unharmed.

Later that night, I'm out on the patio reading through my son's phone. That is how I found out he wasn't a virgin anymore.

I know, I know.....It is silly of me to be freaked out when I know what I was doing at his age. But SON OF A BITCH!!! I'm trying to break the cycle here! And I'm kind of heart broken. And maybe, just a tad bit sad.

I know that people said it was going to be hard. Honestly, I think at every stage of my boy's lives, I've rolled with the punches, dealt with every difficult situation, from colic, to broken bones, to blow jobs in the girls bathroom (another story for another day), but this, this thing with my son having sex, it has totally thrown me. WTF?

And it pisses me off that some of the stuff coming out of my mouth I heard and wanted to roll my eyes at when self same words were being uttered by my own annoying mother....

That's not me! I was going to be the fun mom, the one that understood, the one that was there for my kid and never let anything phase me. The one that was a mom first, but that they could always rely on when they needed a friend. That was my role. Now, I'm like a ranting, crazy fucking monkey out of Ohio. Without herpes. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, look that shit up.)

He's a good kid. Truly, he is. He is just a normal, horney little teenager that doesn't know any better. I'm just praying that he doesn't make me a grandma before I can turn 32. If he does, I'm seriously packing my crap and leaving the state. Honest.