Carcusses and My Library

I'm sitting in my library/computer room, looking at all the books that I've consumed over the years.

I have five big book shelves completely crammed full, some what in alphabetical order. I probably need three more bookcases to get completely organized, but it's okay. Because I love this room. With one exception.

My husband has killed some animals over the last several years and for some reason, he thinks it necessary to stick the dead animal heads on the walls. I've refused to allow him to place them in my living room where their dead, glassy eyes can watch me as I watch television. And the dining room is out. Eww.

So here I sit, with several "trophy" animals staring down at me from their perch on my walls.

We've had long, loud and drawn out debates on the ethical side of hunting. Even though I always win these arguments with my wit and intelligence, it has not deterred him in the slightest from peering through a scope and murdering these poor defenseless animals.

Don't get me wrong. I love me a great big greasy cheeseburger.......or a t-bone steak, but I prefer that the meat come all nice and prepackaged.

And I also wish I didn't have to have these corpses on my walls ruining my most favoritest room.

This goes in the con column of marrying and sharing your life with someone.

But, like I've said before, he better be glad he's so handsome. Or I'm not sure if it would be worth it.



And he cracks me up...(note the porn stash)

Things That Make Me Go "Hmmmm"

Every once in a while I'll ponder the meaning of certain things. (Yeah, I know...scares the shit outta me, too.)

Like for instance, there are a couple of blogs that I read that just make me feel stupid and I wonder why I subject myself. Let me explain.

It's like reading the business section of the paper. Most of the time, I'm not exactly sure what I'm reading, but I keep thinking that I'm going to get smarter if I just stick with it. The big words that I don't understand, the obscure pop culture references, among other things, just skim the surface of my brain and I have no effing clue what is being talked about. But, man, when something clicks, I feel like a damn rocket scientist.

And then it'll occur to me....Why the hell do I bother? Am I a glutton for punishment? Why am I wasting my time reading tripe that I haven't got a damn clue what is actually being discussed?

And I really, really, really hate feeling stupid. Go figure.

Another thing that I don't get. Lady Gaga. Why exactly? Why does someone like her get all this attention? Frankly, I find her unattractive and the music sub par. But then again, any time one of her videos comes on, I find myself watching it with my mouth hanging open in puzzled bewilderment.

And why does she get to make out with Alexander Skarsgard? Life is just unfair at times.



Here's another one.

Why does my body rebel on me every month? If it wouldn't make me grow chin hair and be put on hormone treatment, I would seriously beg someone to rip out my uterus. It's retired anyway and completely redundant at this point.

I also don't understand nipples on men.

I also wonder if ugly people experience love at first sight with someone in their league. Is that mean? If it is, I apologize, but this is something that I've wondered when I see a couple that makes me believe that there is, indeed, someone for everyone.

Like this girl...Did someone see her and think, I've got to have me some of that?


Why do people buy hummers? Does it make them feel powerful? Or more attractive? It's such a douche bag car. Kind of like Ed Hardy t-shirts. Yes, somewhat attractive at times, but it just screams "Look At Me!! I NEED Attention!" Am I the only one that feels this way? Just to be clear, Ed Hardy was in maybe two years ago, but when they started selling so called one of a kinds at Sam's for $19.95, it's definitely a sign that the whole Ed Hardy thing has run it's course.



I also don't understand people that can't hear obvious sarcasm. I don't know exactly how I come across on here, but in real life, I'm a very sarcastic person. It amuses me. And I come off as an asshole from time to time, especially if you just don't "get me". But mostly, I'm full of shit and I know it, and if you have half a brain, you wouldn't let me offend you when I'm not being serious. I'm just screwing around.

Seriously, how do these people make it through life?

I also hate those bumper stickers that say stupidly cheerful things.





Usually, if I'm reading your bumper sticker, it's because I'm tailgating you and I don't give a shit if you "Hate Mean People". That just makes me want to flip you off, that way when I pass you, you'll realize that you should maybe, probably, at the very minimum, go the damn speed limit.

Another thing. If you're from somewhere that has great amounts of snow, do not come to Florida and bore the locals with how cold it is "back home" and say that we're wimps for shivering when the high only reaches sixty. Sure, it's not as cold as a well digger's ass, or a witches tittie (never understood that saying.....how cold is a witches tittie? And is that "ie" or just "y"?) but to us poor Floridians, it's scarf, wool underwear time.

Okay, I've vented enough. I'll end with a little story from last week at school.

So, I'm not sure if this is common or not, but I pray not.

Teenage kids, and this boy in particular, are strange.

I walk into the office late last week and there's this boy boo-hooing in the office. I mean, boo-hooing. Snotting, hiccuping...the whole nine yards.

When I ask what he's in the Principal's office for, I found out that the kid was caught whacking off.......in class....Wth??

What's really disturbing, I had a kid ask me for some lotion yesterday afternoon. Not the same boy. A different one.

Is this normal adolescent behavior?

Genetic Floor Pissing

As a mom of a young man that is almost thirteen, it is a constant battle to keep my house clean. And, seeing as I might be a bit of an O.C.D. control freak, I like to keep a very (very, very, very) clean house.

And he's a pig. Seriously.

I live with three males and I'm completely outnumbered.

My youngest son is ten and while they're completely different in every other respect, they are very similar in the fact that their aim is way off while taking a piss. Knowing my husband, it must be genetic.

We have a big house, so everyone has their own bathrooms. Sounds nice, until you set out to clean them. I enter with caution, a gallon of bleach and rubber gloves.

"Jesus!" is usually the first thing out of my mouth upon entry.

"You've got to be kidding me!" is not far behind.

By the time I finish, my lungs are burning, eyes are watering and I've typically developed even more disgust for my offspring than ever before. Yes, it may sound harsh, but disgust is really the only emotion that moves through my body as I'm scrubbing the piss off the surrounding walls and that little holding area every toilet seems to come equipped with located at the floor where it bolts in.

I have many friends that ask why I don't make them clean it up themselves. Sure, I've done this, but it is never up to my standards.

Put it like this. I once cleaned my oldest son's bathroom and a few days later, he comes out and says, "I love it when the toilet is blue, mom."

And me, puzzled, asked him how the toilet was still blue.

"I've been peeing in the shower so that it'll stay clean."

Huh?

I'm not making this shit up.

One morning, I went in to his room to wake him up for school before leaving for work and you literally could not see the floor. I do my normal routine, lose my mind a little, threaten him with loss of limb if its not clean before I get home from work and head out.

When I arrive home that afternoon, my husband has him in the truck, heading out for baseball practice. He rolls the passenger window down and shouts out at me, "Mom, I remembered to clean my room!" and as I'm about to say thank you, he finishes with this, "I just didn't do it!"

I guess he wanted a pat on the back for at least remembering what I wanted him to do.

I really, really need a maid. Problem is, she/he probably wouldn't clean it to my standards either.

Ball Busters

Could you imagine being raised by a ball buster such as Gloria Allred?



She has done many memorable things within her life time and while I admire many, it seems as though I only see her when someone is screwing someone they shouldn't be (and she typically falls on the side of the woman - who is usually screwing a married man, which I find ironic, as she is a great proponent for legalizing gay marriage. She continually mocks the sanctity of the institution, while fighting for the rights of everyone to join in.) or jumping in on cases that have shit to do with her.

It's actually very smart. If you're a media hound.

She is the one that filed a suit against Jacko when the weird (but talented - I'll give him that much) asshole dangled his baby off a balcony a few years back (for those of you that were living under a rock at the time). She actually notified child protective services, as though they didn't know.

But it did get her name in the news. So, kudos.

Honestly, I've always thought she was a man hater. It seems as though whenever she is on CNN or whatever channel she is currently subjecting their viewers to her holier than thou persona, it is to rip apart some hapless man.

(I say hapless, because ladies, lets be honest - most of the time, men are just dumb asses. Even the smart ones are dumb asses. It's some type of extra gene that comes along with the excess testosterone. Kind of like an extra chromosome, but without the visual bad shit.)

And before anyone thinks I'm against gay marriage, let me assure you that I believe anyone that is willing to subject themselves to anything that can be referred to as an institution should by all means have the right to do so. Especially for those that need a spouse so that they can have health insurance.

Her daughter is Lisa Bloom, who is also an attractive woman that has a tendency to hate on the men on national television.

I guess that apple didn't fall far from that tree.

And to make mommy proud, she even sued the Boy Scouts for not allowing a girl to join. Bet she got an "Atta girl!" for that one.