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Florida, United States

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Things That Make Me Go "Hmmmm"

Every once in a while I'll ponder the meaning of certain things. (Yeah, I know...scares the shit outta me, too.)

Like for instance, there are a couple of blogs that I read that just make me feel stupid and I wonder why I subject myself. Let me explain.

It's like reading the business section of the paper. Most of the time, I'm not exactly sure what I'm reading, but I keep thinking that I'm going to get smarter if I just stick with it. The big words that I don't understand, the obscure pop culture references, among other things, just skim the surface of my brain and I have no effing clue what is being talked about. But, man, when something clicks, I feel like a damn rocket scientist.

And then it'll occur to me....Why the hell do I bother? Am I a glutton for punishment? Why am I wasting my time reading tripe that I haven't got a damn clue what is actually being discussed?

And I really, really, really hate feeling stupid. Go figure.

Another thing that I don't get. Lady Gaga. Why exactly? Why does someone like her get all this attention? Frankly, I find her unattractive and the music sub par. But then again, any time one of her videos comes on, I find myself watching it with my mouth hanging open in puzzled bewilderment.

And why does she get to make out with Alexander Skarsgard? Life is just unfair at times.

Here's another one.

Why does my body rebel on me every month? If it wouldn't make me grow chin hair and be put on hormone treatment, I would seriously beg someone to rip out my uterus. It's retired anyway and completely redundant at this point.

I also don't understand nipples on men.

I also wonder if ugly people experience love at first sight with someone in their league. Is that mean? If it is, I apologize, but this is something that I've wondered when I see a couple that makes me believe that there is, indeed, someone for everyone.

Like this girl...Did someone see her and think, I've got to have me some of that?

Why do people buy hummers? Does it make them feel powerful? Or more attractive? It's such a douche bag car. Kind of like Ed Hardy t-shirts. Yes, somewhat attractive at times, but it just screams "Look At Me!! I NEED Attention!" Am I the only one that feels this way? Just to be clear, Ed Hardy was in maybe two years ago, but when they started selling so called one of a kinds at Sam's for $19.95, it's definitely a sign that the whole Ed Hardy thing has run it's course.

I also don't understand people that can't hear obvious sarcasm. I don't know exactly how I come across on here, but in real life, I'm a very sarcastic person. It amuses me. And I come off as an asshole from time to time, especially if you just don't "get me". But mostly, I'm full of shit and I know it, and if you have half a brain, you wouldn't let me offend you when I'm not being serious. I'm just screwing around.

Seriously, how do these people make it through life?

I also hate those bumper stickers that say stupidly cheerful things.

Usually, if I'm reading your bumper sticker, it's because I'm tailgating you and I don't give a shit if you "Hate Mean People". That just makes me want to flip you off, that way when I pass you, you'll realize that you should maybe, probably, at the very minimum, go the damn speed limit.

Another thing. If you're from somewhere that has great amounts of snow, do not come to Florida and bore the locals with how cold it is "back home" and say that we're wimps for shivering when the high only reaches sixty. Sure, it's not as cold as a well digger's ass, or a witches tittie (never understood that saying.....how cold is a witches tittie? And is that "ie" or just "y"?) but to us poor Floridians, it's scarf, wool underwear time.

Okay, I've vented enough. I'll end with a little story from last week at school.

So, I'm not sure if this is common or not, but I pray not.

Teenage kids, and this boy in particular, are strange.

I walk into the office late last week and there's this boy boo-hooing in the office. I mean, boo-hooing. Snotting, hiccuping...the whole nine yards.

When I ask what he's in the Principal's office for, I found out that the kid was caught whacking off.......in class....Wth??

What's really disturbing, I had a kid ask me for some lotion yesterday afternoon. Not the same boy. A different one.

Is this normal adolescent behavior?


  1. Seriously? In class?! Couldn't he just hold it until lunch time or something? Isn't that indecent exposure?

    I love this little rant.

    What blogs are these that you are subjecting yourself to?

    p.s. I'm originally from Florida. I laugh when it gets to be above 80 and the locals start dropping like flies ;)

  2. Ok, so I am 100% positive that it is MY blog you are referring to that is too intellectual. And I certainly hope that my talk of muffs and gray ball hairs (over the weekend post) didn't include too many big words. I mean, gee whiz. I would hate to lose your readership because of my intellectual talk over there.

    Yes, someone immediately wanted a piece of that woman's ass. Someone who looks comparable to Danny DeVito.

  3. I know just how you feel...when I read those blogs, even if I really really want to--I don't comment because I'm sooo scared to come off as stupid:)
    I totally agree about the hummers--I think that if you buy a hummer, you definitely feel like you have something to prove!

  4. Life: Love it when people can't take the heat...80? They would suffocate here! 80 is a wonderfully awesome day here!

    Monique: Of course it's your blog I'm talking about! Your intellect would stun Ben Stein...

    Sarah: Right?! (on both points) :-)