Saving a Marriage

Today at work, I’ve been looking up articles called “How to fall back in love with your spouse” and other such nonsense. (I know – I have issues) Can I just say that it is all a bunch of tripe?

Here are a few of the tips/steps they give you:

1. Remember what it was that made you fall in love with them in the first place.

My reply to that is, I was fourteen when I met him. What the hell does a fourteen year old know about love? Not a damn thing. I was horny, he was cute and told me he loved me. Period. I guess looking back I could say that he was nice to me. But HELLOOOO??? He was totally trying to get laid. That is what teenage boys do. Am I supposed to remember what great, taboo sex we use to have on the side of a dirt road in the front seat of his truck? Is that going to make me swoon for him again?

2. Fake it until you make it.

Really? What the fuck is this? AA? Isn’t that their slogan? Fake what? That I want to love on him when he is in the kitchen getting in the way while I’m trying to cook dinner for a household full of males? Maybe write a love note to him and put it on the empty roll of toilet paper that he can’t ever seem to replace? Fake an orgasm? What? What am I supposed to fake? When him and our teenage son are fighting, should I tell him how sexy he looks when he’s ready to strangle our offspring?

3. Give them your undivided attention (one suggested 15 hours a week)

Jesus. Christ. That’s all I have to say about that.

4. Policy of complete honesty.

I’m torn on this. I tend to be super honest, to the point of being mean. Are they saying that the times that I hold back, I should just let the negativity of some of my thoughts just spew from mouth? Isn’t that breaking the golden rule?



Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my husband. I truly do. I just don’t know if we are going to make it raising our children through these next couple of years. We don’t agree. On anything, really. I’m willing to work at it, as I’ve been with him over half my life, he is a good father, and I still find him attractive. I guess that those are reasons to try….I just find these so called methods a joke. I’m surprised that people actually spend tons of money to go to a damn marriage counselor to take a damn survey. I can do that for like six bucks. All I have to do is buy a Cosmo magazine.

Writer's Block and Videotaped Crimes

My brain is all over the place anymore. When I sit down to write, I think, “Oh, that would be funny.” But then I start writing, and it just kin d of….stalls….Is this what writer’s block is? Is this the torture of a blinking cursor that all writers talk about in a hushed tone of voice?

A piece of advice that I received from an extremely famous published author was…keep writing. Even if all you are putting down is shit, keep writing, because eventually, it will get better. So that is what I’m doing. And if you think this is shit….I guess….you can kiss my ass.

For those of you out there that maintain their own blog, let me ask you. Do you ever wonder how revealing to be? Should there be some kind of ground ruless that bloggers should follow? Kind of like the whole, if you’re showing off your legs, cover your tits up and vice versa….

I guess because I feel like I have a bit of anonymity on here, I’ve been a little more open in some posts than others. Some people put it all out there though. Blows me away.

Which reminds me (yes, I am rambling…now you see why I’m having such difficulty), I was watching one of those stupid ass redneck shows about dumb criminals and I can’t believe that there are still people out there that are willing to film themselves while committing a crime.

I once saw a film where these boys were videoing themselves riding down a busy street and they begin shooting unsuspecting pedestrians with red paint balls. Call me cruel, but it really was funny as hell…and I would beat the crap out of my kid if I caught him doing something so mean to undeserving people. But it was funny.

And of course they were caught and punished for the crime, which is just as they deserved….

I am leaving for Key West next week. It will be the third time this year that I have went. It is the place that I escape to. Maybe, one day, I will retire to a little conch bungalow and drink the rest of my days away. Only thing is, my husband has never been . Not once. He just doesn’t get it. I went for gay pride week this past year and can’t remember ever having so much fun. I met the most awesome guy from Vancouver. And Stephen from San Diego. We are meeting back there next June. It is going to be epic. Epic, I tell you.

Phantom Pregnancy

Last night, I'm at the mall shopping. I know, I know...I'm such a fucking girl.

Anway, there I stand at the checkout, waiting on a price check on a pair of panties.

Wait.

That wasn't what was awkward.

I wish.

So, I start making conversation with the checkout girl. She's really cute, maybe early twenties and pregnant. So I start asking all of the extremely personal questions that all pregnant women are asked.

(Hey, I paid my dues and had to put up with that shit, everyone else should have to, too."

I'm just thankful that I didn't rub her belly. That used to piss me off. And it really would've pissed this girl off.

Because, five minutes later, she says, "I'm not pregnant." What. The. Fuck.

Yeah, you heard me right. I totally wanted to die of mortification. So, I say to hell with the panties (even though they were REALLY cute) and pay for what I have and haul ass.

The next store I walk into, I set off the security alarms.

Yep, paybacks a bitch. She totally left the security tag on a sweater I bought and I had to revisit the site of my humiliation. I'm just glad the alarms went off before I got all the way home and realized what was up.

But I can admit, I kind of deserved it.

These Are The Facts of Our Lives

I have a knack for knowing the year a movie was made. I also know obscure bands that no one outside of Sweden have ever heard of.


I can quote philosophers, I know who was the president during every major conflict in U.S. history (mainly from reading raunchy romance novels), I can sing the theme song from "The Facts of Life" word for word.


My point to being a know it all....Why the fuck don't I know how to parent a teenage boy? Shouldn't my ability to sing theme songs for some of the best family shows in television history (such as Growing Pains) have taught me something???


When is all of my useless knowledge going to pay off? When I accidentally stumble onto the game show "Cash Cab"? That would be awesome, by the way.

Last April, my mom left her asshole husband and moved in with me. Last week, she finally went back to her asshole husband. The weekend before she left, my girlfriend was staying and we went out for the night. We got a room in Orlando so that we would be able to drink if we wanted and I left the boys with my mom.

Monday, after the weekend, I find that my son's screen in his window is laying on the ground outside. He claims he was wanting some air. Huh? What kind of dumb ass do you take me for?

That night, he also tried out his driving abilities. By running into the front of my girlfriends car with a truck that he wasn't supposed to be driving. Did I mention that my girlfriend drives a BMW?

So, he is in so much trouble! First, I take his phone away. Then we tell him he is missing homecoming. His dad kept his cool, all the way up until I told him it would claimed on our insurance, not hers. Then, he got pissed. Made him quit the high school baseball team, was ranting and raving, picked up three different things to throw before slowly putting them back down unharmed.

Later that night, I'm out on the patio reading through my son's phone. That is how I found out he wasn't a virgin anymore.

I know, I know.....It is silly of me to be freaked out when I know what I was doing at his age. But SON OF A BITCH!!! I'm trying to break the cycle here! And I'm kind of heart broken. And maybe, just a tad bit sad.

I know that people said it was going to be hard. Honestly, I think at every stage of my boy's lives, I've rolled with the punches, dealt with every difficult situation, from colic, to broken bones, to blow jobs in the girls bathroom (another story for another day), but this, this thing with my son having sex, it has totally thrown me. WTF?

And it pisses me off that some of the stuff coming out of my mouth I heard and wanted to roll my eyes at when self same words were being uttered by my own annoying mother....

That's not me! I was going to be the fun mom, the one that understood, the one that was there for my kid and never let anything phase me. The one that was a mom first, but that they could always rely on when they needed a friend. That was my role. Now, I'm like a ranting, crazy fucking monkey out of Ohio. Without herpes. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, look that shit up.)

He's a good kid. Truly, he is. He is just a normal, horney little teenager that doesn't know any better. I'm just praying that he doesn't make me a grandma before I can turn 32. If he does, I'm seriously packing my crap and leaving the state. Honest.