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Florida, United States

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Proctology and the Lady With Stinky Hands

"You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's. He's more particular." ~Robert Frost

Yesterday was a hellacious day.

I had to go for a physical, drug testing, fingerprinting and an orientation.

I was good during the majority of the orientation, but by the time the last speaker was talking, my eyes started to get heavy and my head was nodding off. Apparently, I don't do well when I have to sit for prolonged periods of time with nothing to keep my hands or brain busy.

I was sent to one of my new employer's physicians for a physical and everything was going fine there (I even bluffed my way through the eye exam - at least I think I did) and gave myself a big pat on the back for wearing underwear that day (and they actually matched my bra) when this lady comes in to give me a look over.

She looked in my ears, made sure my teeth were not rotting out and flipped up my gown to feel on my belly. I had only one issue with her.

When she stuck the tongue depressor in my mouth, her hands smelled like B-O. I don't know if she'd been feeling in some hairy guy's arm pits without gloves on or what, but it was disgusting.

My belly was already feeling kind of icky, as I'd been running all over God's green earth and had not had time to eat. When the smell hit my nose, I might've gagged a little. I'm sure she attributed it to the fact that she had a wooden stake half way down my throat, but Lord have mercy! She's extremely fortunate that I didn't vomit on her. (I wonder if she would've cleared me for work if I had?)

Now, I don't know what it is to work in the medical profession, nor do I have any interest in finding out. But for all of you guys out there with stronger stomachs than moi, please, please, please wash your hands with something that kills the horrible smells that you come into contact with.

Another thing I've been wondering.

My dad has got some serious butt hole issues, which he enjoys going into great detail right about the time I'm getting ready to eat dinner (that's when he usually calls). He lives in Colorado and travels the three hours to Denver to see a proctologist to find out why he's having a period out of his asshole.

My question is: What would possess someone to want to look at butt holes all day long?

Can this be normal? I mean, when you're doing your internship and you're choosing a specialty, what makes you settle on THAT? Any profession that has people regularly bringing in stool samples cannot be entertaining, right? Do you enjoy digging around in shit? Trying to figure out what that person ate based on the level of digestive breakdown? What is the draw?

Gynecology? I understand. Even if after you become a gynecologist, you realize that the majority of cooters you're going to be looking at is over weight, diseased, or massively stretched out, the fantasy of it all might lure you in.

Dermatology? Maybe you have a fascination with popping zits and you think squeezing pus all day in enjoyable. I know there are such people.

Certain folks even have feet fetishes, so I get that.

But proctology? It is beyond my ken.


  1. some of us would take proctology and urology over gynecology any day...

    no offense :-)

  2. Hahahaha! I too have wondered what makes somebody pursue proctology...I can only think it's a fetish, kind of like how I believe podiatrists really have feet fetishes...

  3. I'm at the point where maybe that would be more enjoyable than my day to day. Sad, but I'm there. I'll look at an asshole if I don't have to work here everyday...and I mean an asshole other than "John".

  4. Bwahaha, you are funny! I've even forgot what the beginning what this post was about. Oh yeah, the BO. That's just rank. All health prof between ALL patients. Maybe she has a bad habit of folding her fingers underneath her arm pits like that SNL character?

    For part B, I pick D) none of the above! Ew.


  5. I agree! I absolutely could NOT be in any of the professions you mentioned, especially a gyno--I don't see how they do it!

  6. dude, yeah none of these professions no thanks

  7. Glad to see I'm not the only one guys!

    And none taken, Guy. I'd rather practice urology, too. (I mean if there was a choice, ya know?) ;-)