Sober Trip To The Waffle House

Have you ever made a sober trip to the Waffle House? I did last weekend, breakfast with my mom. Now I know why I typically go drunk, although their hash browns are AHMAZING.....even when you're not totally blitzed.

So, we had to wait a few minutes for a table (yes, there was a wait. Unbelievable, right?) and then we were seated at a booth behind the low bar. There was a man sitting there, totally bonkers, talking to himself THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE THERE. What really made it awkward was the fact that he was completely turned around in his chair, facing our booth and using his hands to express whatever internal argument he was having. I was working really hard to tune him out.

So, the waitress comes to take our order and as my mom starts speaking, I notice she has toothpaste on her lips.



"Mom, you've got toothpaste on your mouth......."

She rubs it away. "Well, at least you know I brushed."

She set me up, is my only excuse.

"....or something." My mom turns bright red and the waitress (who was missing one of her eye teeth, by the way) busts out laughing. Which of course means I start laughing, because, helloooo, I totally laugh at my own jokes.

After getting our order, she leaves and my mom chastises me for embarrassing her, and of course I feel no shame at all.

At this point, mom finally notices the bat shit crazy guy that is facing our direction. Here's the thing. He was talking, or at least moving his lips, but no sound was coming out. It was almost like a badly dubbed martial arts movie, especially with all of the hand motions.

"Is he talking to us?"

"No, Mom. He's just crazy. Ignore him."

"Are you sure he's not talking to us?"

"Positive. He's freaking crazy, Mom. Ignore him."

"I thought he was talking to the people behind us, but he's looking right at us."

"Mom, he's bat shit crazy. Ignore him please."

So, Mom is really doing her best to not look at the old guy and I begin to read some of the things that the earrrrly a.m. crowd has written in the fake snow that is sprayed on the window. Christmas ambiance, ya know.

"Chris loves Jennifer. 3:18 a.m." When I see things like this, I always create some kind of back story that probably has nothing to do with reality, but it entertains me internally. I figured Chris maybe picked Jennifer out of the bar crowd when the lights came on. Maybe his beer goggles were on, maybe not...



...and bringing her to this fine establishment, he could soften her up with a pecan waffle before taking her home with him and forgetting her name the next day. As I said, I tend to make up elaborate stories out of these little notes people leave in public places. You should see me in public restrooms, reading the wall art there....

There was another one, it said, "Hoooo, Hoooo" (they might not have used a comma). I was trying to figure out if they were trying to be Santa or if they were making a statement on Jennifer's character, but whatever.

The waitress comes back with my drink and my mom's coffee.

"DO you want cream?"

Then she totally made my day.

"Or have you had enough?" She also laughs at her own jokes, because she then busted out laughing, showing off the rest of her dental issues, but I thought it was so funny, I didn't even mind.

And that folks, is what a sober trip to the Waffle House is like. I'm going to have to make it more of a habit, because I was highly entertained.

And did I mention that I LOOOOVE their hashbrowns?