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Florida, United States

Friday, December 4, 2009


Eve was such an idiot.

Why do I have to pay for it? I'm having a ghastly monthly flow, cramps and a headache that has me wishing it would just explode already. Why prolong the misery?

This is really disgusting.

And by the way, if you're male, you might want to stop reading. Hell, this might not be appropriate for either sex. You've been warned.

I'm on day three, so it should start to get better, right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

Do you know what I hate? When someone pisses me off, and it's attributed to p.m.s., and I feel like I'm genuinely pissed about something ignorant, assholish or stupid that they have done, then the next day or day after I start my period. It makes me second guess myself.

Was it really me just being a crazy, psychotic pre-menstrual bitch? But I felt so righteously angry.... It had to be a real emotion. Not one that has manifested in my overly lined uterus and sore, tender breasts.

And why the hell do I always get a pimple on my chin? Do I really need to highlight, on my face, that I'm about to start bleeding like a stuck pig? Isn't that just overkill?

Last month, I had a serious road rage incident. No, we didn't come to blows and I didn't actually leave my car, but holy cow, it wouldn't have taken much provocation and it so would've been ON. The next day, I started my period. And it occurred to me that I was acting like a crazy ass Jerry Springer guest because of the gravitational pull on my female nether regions. That girl is so lucky she drove past my driveway when I was waving her in.

I think my attorney could've gotten me off on temporary insanity. I totally would've taken pictures of the things leaving my body and labeled them "Exhibit A", "Exhibit B", and when I ran out of our alphabet, I would've begun using the Greek one, like they do with naming hurricanes. And I would've tried to stack the jury with a bunch of redneck men. My dad has always said you can't trust anything that bleeds for 5-7 days straight and doesn't die. I think he might have a point, because I'm beginning to not trust my own emotions when it seems every month, I have some type of meltdown and with in 24-48 hours I begin to lose part of my uterus.

TMI? Sorry, but I didn't think the good ol' boys (attorneys) I work with would've taken any pleasure from hearing me bitch about all the clotting I'm doing. :-)

Quick question. Why do they always have pictures similar to the one below in feminine hygiene ads? They make it look so wistful, and relaxing, and it really annoys me when I'm lying in bed in my ugly underwear with a heating pad under my lower back, afraid to cough because of the possible horrifying ramifications to any sudden movement to my lower half, and you see something like this on an "Always" commercial....wth? Really, wth?

Oh, and have a nice day.


  1. Gahhh I do NOT miss the days when my period was a wretched bitch like that. I'm on an amazing birth control now that has it down to 2 days. It still sucks, but at least the duration of the suckiness is much less. And the cramps are not nearly so bad anymore.

  2. It took me YEARS, YEARS, do you hear me? to get my husband to get snipped. I refuse to be on birth control as I don't need it. He's fixed and I'm faithful.....and he would be pissed if he went and got his boys cut into for nothing....:-)

  3. you know, i agree with you on the picture thing. Over here in England they say 'Have a happy period' Always'.

    Pfft, yeah right. I get the same as you, for about a week to ten days before my period, i'm queen bitch, and i crave chocolate and Mcdonald's like it's going out of fashion!!!

    I feel your pain lol.

  4. I'm amused when women blog about their periods, and pop friendly little disclaimers in directed at the pe'penised portion of the population saying something like, "Guys, maybe you should skip my post today."

    Sweetheart, we love reading about vaginas: red, wed, or named Fuzzy Ned.

  5. Love the Dr. Seuss rhyming in relation to a horrid female ritual.

    And Irish, my monthly vice is Three Muskateers. I become slightly manic in my quest for chocolate at certain times (and I don't even really like candy??).