You know you're getting old when you attend several parties on New Years, you're home by one without the slightest buzz and wake up and rearrange your living room.
I took my Christmas tree down this morning all by myself. I should've waited for my husband to roll his ass out of bed to help, as this joker was nearly ten foot tall and shedding all over the damn place. I climbed up on a chair and grabbed it by the top and tilted it over, then proceeded to drag it towards the sliding glass door, which opens up to our back patio. There must've been a million pine needles (is that what they're called?) all over the damn place and the tree was so big I could barely get it to squeeze out of the door. I'm knocking over patio furniture to get it into the back yard, but finally, there it lay. Our ginormous effing Christmas tree, that if I'm honest, was probably the ugliest damn tree we've had since our first Charlie Brown Christmas together. That year we bought a ten dollar tree from the Dollar Store and a more pathetic "tree" you've never seen. And then...
I walk back inside to get the vacuum, knowing it's going to take me about an hour to get the shit up, and even then I'll probably still be finding them in the living room until August, when I realize my mistake...
There was still water in the tree stand...so my Christmas tree has pissed all over my living room. A trail of water is leading all the way through my living room, across my back patio and into the yard. I'm a dumb ass.
And in case you don't remember, I'm sick, so I'm sneezing and snotting throughout this entire process.
I was going to make a New Year's resolution to bitch less, but in this post, it might be a little redundant. And a big, fat, unadulterated lie.
Happy New Year, everyone! Please be safe out there and dodge all the idiots.
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